Back to the Doctor...

Well, it almost goes without saying that the whole session was focussed on the discussion between Sharon and Noah. But I didn't have a copy yet of the last blog showing what Sharon said to Noah so the discussion centered on Noah feeling stuck about how to respond to "criticisms". Dr. Jenkins gave some useful strategies that they will work on in the Wed. sessions and I suggested "I'm sorry. I know, I am working on it in my sessions with dad and Dr. Jenkins." We practiced that some. My disappointment at this time is that we didn't actually talk about what truly was said because Noah doesn't remember or wont' say and I didn't have the text yet.

Sharon talks with Noah

Sharon sent this to me...

As best as I can remember, this is what I talked to Noah about on Friday evening, May 14 @7:30-ish.

Noah, its great to see you. I want you to know that even though we all love you and are happy to see you, I cannot pretend that everything is all right. All of us here are hurt by the choices you have made, especially your Dad. You have chosen a harder way to go because it is going to take more work on your part to repair this hurt, and that is something you are going to have to do yourself. Don't worry about me or Sophia, but maybe focus on your Dad. You told me Dr. Jenkins is helping you and I'm very glad for that. It all starts with just putting a little effort and just spending some time with us. No one's expecting anything big, but people here love you and need to know you that you want to spend a little time here. We miss you Noah. I love you and I understand you are going through a hard time, but you still need to try, just a little, okay?

Pizza and a movie?

Noah didn't want to stay for a movie, like I said, but after dinner we did go for a walk (all of us). Noah seemed very distant on the walk. It turns out that while I was getting changed and shoes on Sharon talked with Noah and while what she said was loving and caring it was also what she needed to say about the damage Noah had/has done and what would be needed to correct that. I will post it as a blog entry soon, but needless to say, it made Noah withdraw even more. I am very disappointed that it had to happen now, but Sharon is the kind of person who doesn't really hold back and is usually brutally honest. I just think it was ill-timed but now I guess I just have to deal with the fall-out.

Back to the Dr.

We had an OK week not focusing much on Noah or Nancy. Sharon met a woman who did send here ADHD son to a boarding school and she wanted to talk about that scenario which we did for awhile but then I just said that I needed to get away from it awhile so we just worked through the week.

Today Noah and I went to see Dr. Jenkins and he/we told the Dr. about the Sunday, watch Noah play video games EVENT. Followed up with the working on the Bike computer thing. The doctor said that sounded good. I wanted Noah to tell me why he invited me over for that instead of the "breakfast" that we had talked about initially. He couldn't/wouldn't tell me what he was thinking. The doctor cleverly made the point that dad probably doesn't really enjoy that kind of an activity but to see it once wasn't too bad. We talked a bit about the violence that I witnessed and how disturbing that was. The doctor thought that Noah had some perspective (I can't remember where this was going...) But we made another attempt to have Noah join us on Friday, next for pizza and a movie. I even let him choose.

So during the week I reminded Noah about Friday but when I picked him up he only wanted to join us for pizza and not the movie so we went on a walk after dinner. More next blog.

Letter from Peter Bunch to Nancy

Below is the text of the letter or...
Click here to see the actual letter PDF

ZIMMER & BUNCH LLC
Attorneys at Law
680 Umpqua Bank Plaza
Gary J. Zimmer One S.W. Columbia Street
Peter Bunch Portland, Oregon 97258-2007
Angela M. Bentz
Carey M. Haladay Telephone: 503-295-6191
Sarah H. Bond Facsimile: 503-294-0108
Attorneys email: peter@zimmer-law.com
Website: www.zimmer-law.com
K:\PB\SHAFFER, PARK\NICKLES 01.DOC
April XX, 2010
Nancy Nickles
2118 19th St., Apt #15
West Linn, OR 97068
Re: Custody and Parenting Time Issues with Park Shaffer
Dear Ms. Nickles:
Please be advised that I represent Park Shaffer. I have reviewed the judgment
of dissolution of marriage. It is my understanding that you and Mr. Shaffer now reside in
Clackamas County. In the event that there are future legal proceedings between the
two of you, Mr. Shaffer believes it makes sense to change the venue of any legal
proceedings to Clackamas County. Accordingly, I enclose for your review a stipulated
order transferring venue of your case to Clackamas County.
If the form and substance of this order are acceptable, please sign where
indicated before a notary public. Please then send the order to me in the enclosed, selfaddressed,
stamped envelope. I have also enclosed a copy for your records.
Please understand that this document impacts legal rights. You should have an
attorney of your choice review the document. If you do not have an attorney, the
telephone number of the Oregon State Bar attorney referral service is 503.684.3763.
It is my further understanding that, pursuant to the terms of your judgment of
dissolution of marriage, you and Mr. Shaffer are to have equal parenting time with your
two children. Noah, however, has not been participating in the court-ordered parenting
time. Mr. Shaffer believes that the status quo is not in Noah's bests interests.
Accordingly, he is requesting that you immediately meet with him, and Noah's
psychologist, Dr. Terry Jenkins, to establish a predictable and prompt reunification plan
to effectuate the court-ordered parenting time between Noah and his father, as well as
Noah and his brother.
Noah plainly needs the love and support of both parents. He is not of an age at
which he has the discretion to decide at which house he will reside. You are also at risk
of being in contempt of court if you do not facilitate, and encourage, Noah's parenting
time with his father.
Z I M M E R & B U N C H L L C
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
Nancy Nickles
RE: Custody and Parenting Time Issues with Park Shaffer
April XX, 2010
Page 2
K:\PB\SHAFFER, PARK\NICKLES 01.DOC
Mr. Shaffer will be contacting you regarding working together with Dr. Jenkins to
resolve these issues. Please understand that he has authorized me to take appropriate
legal action unless you promptly work with Mr. Shaffer to address the serious problems
with the current parenting time arrangement and its impact on Noah.
If you retain a lawyer, please provide a copy of this correspondence to him or
her. I will direct all future correspondence to your lawyer.
Mr. Shaffer wants to reiterate that it is in the children's best interests to resolve all
issues amicably. He is committed to doing so.
Very truly yours,
ZIMMER & BUNCH LLC
Peter Bunch
PB/am

Sunday

I called Nancy's at about 9:30 after Lincoln and I helped Sharon get Sophia to church to see if Noah felt better and if he wanted to go to breakfast with me. Nancy told me that I should go over to her house to watch Noah play video games. The only reason I did that was to not be seen as belligerent, reluctant or resistive parent. I can't think of anything that is more repugnant to me but I went in the hopes that eventually I could build some goodwill and get Noah to come out with me. After an hour of the unbelievable gore, Nancy returned (Lincoln didn't go with her, they did some things later on) and I said to Noah "let's go attach your bike computer to your bike and figure out how it works." He jumped right up and shut his game down so off we went and had, what I think was, a great time. It was cooperative, we had to figure out alot of stuff but we finally got it. He was complaining of a headache (probably "detox" from the video games) so I took him back. As we went back to Nancy's I told Noah that videogames are not my thing and when we get together we need to go "out" somewhere. I suggested OMSI (just he and I), a walk, a picnic, some other project, a chocolate walk downtown, taking a class together (sailing, aikido, kayaking, etc.)

I brought Lincoln home. Lincoln, Sophia, Sharon and I had a wonderful walk up by the Pittock Mansion and around the Pearl then dinner at Henry's and Ice cream at B & J. Sharon went to a Mother's group meeting at JoAnn & Shannon's house.

When Sharon returned, we talked about boarding school because she met someone at the meeting that sent there ADHD son to one and it was a great thing that really helped with some of the issues he faced. He doesn't even hate his parents. I wonder if they are/were separated. I need to call Peter Bunch to examine this idea with a legal eye.

The same day

While we were at session, Sharon was home with Lincoln & Sophia. Apparently Lincoln was feeling like he was missing his mom. Mostly that he didn't get much time with her alone whereas Noah got alot. He called her. This is one of the calls that kept her from getting that much needed nap! Her child calls and tells her how much he really wants to spend time with her and she couldn't comfort him and tell him that she would try her best to make that happen. He was sobbing and so after the call Sharon talked to him & comforted him. He asked if Dad could make that happen and Sharon told him that only his Mother could make it happen. He was so hurt and disappointed that his mom chose Noah.

2nd session with Noah & I

Well, already pretty deflated by the Friday night fiasco, I had tried to arrange with Nancy that I would take Noah to the Dr.'s since we would be going from there to Yiayia & Papou's but she
indicated that he wanted her to take him to session. I don't know why we both have to pay for the gas, but, oh well. Meanwhile, she tells me that "he" wasn't sure if he would feel up to the trip to see Yiayia & Papou. You know, he never talks to me...it always comes through her so I never really know how he feels. So I was left with this huge sense of foreboding and disappointment.

Meanwhile, standing outside the Dr. building, as Nancy got on the phone, I got Noah's attention and told him about Mother's day and that we should do something. He talked about Nancy trying to get herbs to grow out back and he suggested buying her some flowering plants too. I said that we could go to Fred Meyer Saturday either before or after session and get some potting soil and pots too. He said that that would be fine--he'd go with me.

Meanwhile, Nancy was on the phone trying to arrange a "play date" with Will's mother Linda for that very afternoon when we were supposed to be going to see Noah's grandparents. Apparently he "didn't feel well enough" to see them so before he even told me any of that, she was arranging a "preferable" alternative activity. Now, maybe it's just me but if your too sick to see your grandparents aren't you also too sick to be seeing friends? Nancy totally undermined our plans and I am guessing that she suggested to Noah that he shouldn't go. Noah indicated to me that he knew ahead of time that she was trying to arrange a get together will Will that same afternoon. So clearly this was well-planned out as a way to get him to stay in West Linn and not go with us.

Anyway, we went up to session and Nancy waited in the waiting room (which I did't know until after when we woke her up). More on that later. Meanwhile, session was pretty useless that day. The doctor asked about Friday, as I knew he would. I took a backseat and let Noah tell him about what happened. He had to drag it out of him. Noah is the least linear person on the planet. I told the doctor that I was impressed that Noah suggested an alternate arrangement for breakfast that day but it hadn't worked out either. We talked about going to Yiayia & Papou's and the doctor tried to get Noah to partially participate. To take his Gameboy or his audiobook or just excuse himself to sleep or hang out in a quiet room after dinner so that he could still have alot of quiet alone time. Of course Noah resisted every attempt because he had the idea of videogame time with Will to look forward to. I said nothing. The rest of the session about revolting against the "voice Noah hears inside himself". Whatever that means. At the end I said that I would call Noah in the morning and that we could try the breakfast thing again and that Lincoln could spend the time with his mom.

When we got in the waiting room Nancy was there. We woke her up and she complained about how the phone calls kept her from catching up on sleep. Why she should be tired, I have no idea but nothing about her makes any sense to me. Keep this sleeping and complaining in mind for the next post.

Nancy made a point of suggesting in front of the doctor that Noah could invite me over to "watch Noah play video games" and maybe interact with him there. I didn't respond because the idea was so heinous that I was struck dumb.

So we had a great time with Mom & Dad. Grant came and we had a good dinner. Mom and Dad wanted all the poop on Noah's situation and reluctantly we (Sharon & I) shared pretty much everything. Dad actually had an interesting idea--boarding school. My fear, which I shared, is that by sending Noah away from his Dad and Mom puts me in the position of looking like a bad parent. I think that Nancy could bring suit and possibly win a custody battle on that basis. I'm not sure I even want the battle. We shared with dad & mom that what would likely happen is that if therapy doesn't work we may just have to give up. How f@#$%ing depressing is that?

Course of the week

We decided to go to see Yiayia and Papou on Saturday so Wednesday afternoon I asked Noah if he wanted to come and I was pleased and gratified that he said he wanted to do that. So we decided to go right after the Dr.'s appointment.

Noah got sick on Friday (probably just because of the Movie night) so he said he didn't feel well enough to go. He suggested that we meet Saturday morning for breakfast but when I called at 9:45 he was supposedly still in bed. So we decided to try for breakfast on Sunday.

First Steps

Nancy came by before Noah's appointment today and tried to convince me (I guess) that Noah was not ready/prepared/etc. to meet with Dr. Jenkins including me. I told her that I gave the Dr. Specific instructions to prepare Noah over the last 2 sessions. I asked Dr. Jenkins when he thought I should start accompanying Noah in the appointments. He told me ASAP and we decided together that he should meet with Noah the 2 additional times to get him ready so I was pretty p@%#$d off that she was trying to sabotage this process. I also found out in that conversation that she was part of Noah's appointments when I wasn't there (Wednesdays, easter weekend and last Saturday). I told the Dr. that that needed to stop.

When we got to the appointment I stepped back and Nancy tried to get Noah to go in alone and also insert herself into the process. The doctor said let's just go in and give it a try so in we went. Noah was fine, he never indicated, intimated or gave away any discomfort or even an unreadiness to work with me in the sessions. He did want Nancy to be there but the doctor took care of that pretty smoothly.

Meanwhile we had a good session. Noah talked alot about the fact that I'm a loud individual and that shouting bothers him. Even shouting up to come down for dinner. He also talked about the spanking. The doctor asked him when was the last time he was spanked and Noah correctly reported that he was maybe 5 yrs. old the last time he was spanked by me. The doctor had a hard time understanding the anxiety there, as did I. He asked Noah if he was afraid that I would spank him. He said no. Hmm?!?

The doctor asked Noah if he could say 3 things about me that he likes. He had trouble comming up with anything without prompting from the doctor. He did admit that he loved me and I told him that I loved him. Lastly the doctor wanted us make an agreement to get together for "Friday pizza and a movie" night at the house. I was pretty pleased that Noah decided that he wanted to do that. I was looking forward to it all week.

Nancy said that she recieved the letter from Peter Bunch and was angry because the timeline to get Noah moving back and forth was not appropriate and that "therapy takes time and people move at their own pace."