Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sharon & Noah set a date
To Noah's credit. He did call Sharon after he met with his tutor and relaxed a bit. They scheduled to go to OMSI on Saturday starting at noon. I have high hopes that this will help them relax around each other. I know Sharon is not doing this because she want to but because she wants to support me and try to help Noah.
Return from CA
The day after we got back was another meeting. I took Noah as there was something Nancy was doing. Most of the meeting was about doing and OMSI trip (or something else) with just Sharon. Noah was not feeling delighted about the prospect but kind of realized that it needed to happen. We went over how to ask Sharon and to try to schedule it before the next meeting. I suggested that he spend the night on Friday as per the typical schedule. He responded that he wanted to do the date with Sharon before trying to stay overnight, so we let that go.
Long overdue
We just got back from the Llama trip. Sharon is feeling much more in control and relaxed. Before we left, the 2nd meeting with Sharon took place and the rest of the stuff got aired. It was suggested that Noah do some things with just Sharon but nothing was set up. Suggested to Nancy that she take Noah to the session we would miss because Noah and the Dr. could debrief about the meetings with Sharon but she decided to cancel that and wait until our return.
Friday, July 9, 2010
another email to Nancy
I have been concerned about trying to make the schedule more stable and predictable without all the changes. I, and especially Sharon need to have a stable schedule that doesn't change whenever Nancy has an "event". So I drafted an email...........
Asking for money
Through all of this I have been trying to get bills and finances taken care of.
I had to ask Sharon to gift me back $400 representing part of what I pay over the summer for Sophia's school fees (which obviously she doesn't pay during the summer). It would have started to pay back Sharon for all that I owe her. But I'm in trouble. I don't make enough to pay everything I am incurring in expenses.
Noah's doctor's bills, the lawyer and therapy put me totally over the top. Everyone is paid off except for the Lawyer (they are on $100 per month automatic payments until paid off) and Dr. Jenkins. I have not been getting the bills from him so I have not paid except for the office-visit co-pay of $35 per session. The bookkeeper did not have the correct address so I corrected that and found out all the particulars about Noah's bill. Nancy, it would appear has paid no office-visit co-pays. So the overall bill is more than I expected. Jenkins bills at $150/hour. My part of that should be $60 after insurance, $35 of which I pay when I go in leaving $25 to go on the bill. Never-the-less, not getting the bills, it added up to 893.20 plus the two sessions for which insurance has not come through. Hopefully that's only $50 more.
I had to break down and ask Dad to help get Dr. Jenkins paid off. He gave me $2000 and with that I am to get doctors and lawyers paid off, pay for swimming for Lincoln and Sophia and pay for a session or two of athletics this summer. The rest to pay for future visits to Dr. Jenkins. It was a heart-wrenching decision because I hate admitting that I can't take care of my bills or need help, especially from Dad, who thinks of me as a failure already. Just another nail in my coffin.
I had to ask Sharon to gift me back $400 representing part of what I pay over the summer for Sophia's school fees (which obviously she doesn't pay during the summer). It would have started to pay back Sharon for all that I owe her. But I'm in trouble. I don't make enough to pay everything I am incurring in expenses.
Noah's doctor's bills, the lawyer and therapy put me totally over the top. Everyone is paid off except for the Lawyer (they are on $100 per month automatic payments until paid off) and Dr. Jenkins. I have not been getting the bills from him so I have not paid except for the office-visit co-pay of $35 per session. The bookkeeper did not have the correct address so I corrected that and found out all the particulars about Noah's bill. Nancy, it would appear has paid no office-visit co-pays. So the overall bill is more than I expected. Jenkins bills at $150/hour. My part of that should be $60 after insurance, $35 of which I pay when I go in leaving $25 to go on the bill. Never-the-less, not getting the bills, it added up to 893.20 plus the two sessions for which insurance has not come through. Hopefully that's only $50 more.
I had to break down and ask Dad to help get Dr. Jenkins paid off. He gave me $2000 and with that I am to get doctors and lawyers paid off, pay for swimming for Lincoln and Sophia and pay for a session or two of athletics this summer. The rest to pay for future visits to Dr. Jenkins. It was a heart-wrenching decision because I hate admitting that I can't take care of my bills or need help, especially from Dad, who thinks of me as a failure already. Just another nail in my coffin.
Email to Peter
Sent both Sharon's letter to Nancy and this set of issues/questions for him to consider before our meeting.............
July 7, 2010
Hello Peter,
There has been little movement through counseling and lots of other ideas have been thrown on the table. We’re going to need more guidance and advice from you so I have made an appointment for the end of July. When I say little movement I mean that Noah has seen Dr. Jenkins for a couple of months once a week and also on Saturdays with me. The idea was to find out what was really going on and see if we could establish a comfort level that would get him spending some time here. For whatever reason, Noah has great difficulty in sharing his true feelings. He tends to agree to spending time with us and then his mother will call at the last minute to cancel for him. That said we have had several get-togethers that have lasted an hour to several at a shot but he always wants to return to Nancy’s so we haven’t even managed one overnight yet. Not coincidentally, Noah’s mom has been pushing to be present at his therapy sessions to “translate” for him (her word). It is my opinion that this woud be counter productive since she cannot discuss these topic rationally.
Nancy’s typical mantra is this “Do you just want him to spend time out of obligation or requirement or do you want him to want to spend time with you?” It’s a good question but if I don’t spend time with him, I teach him nothing, I can’t encourage, I can’t help him develop into a healthy person who can be a functioning member of society, hold down a job or anything. Nancy’s home is a place where he doesn’t have to face anything that might help him grow and stretch. In short she wants to make him happy in the short term and Sharon and I are looking at long-term mental, emotional and physical health, self-reliance, confidence and ability to succeed once he is out of our sphere of influence. We believe that Nancy’s home is a toxic environment where he is allowed to play videogames for 30-50 hours a week or more, avoid any uncomfortable situation and hide away from the world.
We have seemingly innumerable questions. Among them: At what point do we decide that therapy is not working and move on? What are the next steps? Are we willing to take those steps? Have we already lost Noah? What are we willing to do? Can we find some way of extracting him from that environment and limiting her contact? It all comes back to that, somehow. I don’t know if it is purposeful or just a result of her illness that once he enters her house all the rules change, agreements are broke and plans are abandoned.
Since countless attempts have been made to discuss Noah’s situation reasonably have ended in impass after impass, we need to investigate other options. Here are some questions:
Obviously we can’t think of every question or issue that might come up. Our goal here is to put these questions in front of you so you can see where we are a little bit but, more importantly, you can give them some consideration before we meet in person.
July 7, 2010
Hello Peter,
There has been little movement through counseling and lots of other ideas have been thrown on the table. We’re going to need more guidance and advice from you so I have made an appointment for the end of July. When I say little movement I mean that Noah has seen Dr. Jenkins for a couple of months once a week and also on Saturdays with me. The idea was to find out what was really going on and see if we could establish a comfort level that would get him spending some time here. For whatever reason, Noah has great difficulty in sharing his true feelings. He tends to agree to spending time with us and then his mother will call at the last minute to cancel for him. That said we have had several get-togethers that have lasted an hour to several at a shot but he always wants to return to Nancy’s so we haven’t even managed one overnight yet. Not coincidentally, Noah’s mom has been pushing to be present at his therapy sessions to “translate” for him (her word). It is my opinion that this woud be counter productive since she cannot discuss these topic rationally.
Nancy’s typical mantra is this “Do you just want him to spend time out of obligation or requirement or do you want him to want to spend time with you?” It’s a good question but if I don’t spend time with him, I teach him nothing, I can’t encourage, I can’t help him develop into a healthy person who can be a functioning member of society, hold down a job or anything. Nancy’s home is a place where he doesn’t have to face anything that might help him grow and stretch. In short she wants to make him happy in the short term and Sharon and I are looking at long-term mental, emotional and physical health, self-reliance, confidence and ability to succeed once he is out of our sphere of influence. We believe that Nancy’s home is a toxic environment where he is allowed to play videogames for 30-50 hours a week or more, avoid any uncomfortable situation and hide away from the world.
We have seemingly innumerable questions. Among them: At what point do we decide that therapy is not working and move on? What are the next steps? Are we willing to take those steps? Have we already lost Noah? What are we willing to do? Can we find some way of extracting him from that environment and limiting her contact? It all comes back to that, somehow. I don’t know if it is purposeful or just a result of her illness that once he enters her house all the rules change, agreements are broke and plans are abandoned.
Since countless attempts have been made to discuss Noah’s situation reasonably have ended in impass after impass, we need to investigate other options. Here are some questions:
- We are paying all the bills for a child who does not reside with us and Nancy is not willing to take on any of them. Is there away to apply pressure without re-opening the custody topic?
- If we could afford boarding school (unlikely), Nancy could conceivably move to wherever Noah’s school was located so she could stay connected with him. Is there any way we could prevent this?
- What if the relationship between Nancy and I (Park) remains at an impass. A friend mentioned something about a third party legal guardian. What does this mean? Can someone be a legal guardian to a child who does not reside with them? Have you ever seen this arrangement?
- It may not be possible to rehabilitate Noah; he may never willingly spend time with us now that he has been allowed to opt out for so long. It may be that our efforts are unsustainable in the long term. Can you talk about examples where families did “take a break” or even given up? If Nancy wants custody and we give it to her, is that the only way to make her take on all of the fiscal responsibilities for Noah? As a side note, can Nancy declare Noah some kind of de-facto dependent on her taxes since he’ll likely spend most of the year with her?
Obviously we can’t think of every question or issue that might come up. Our goal here is to put these questions in front of you so you can see where we are a little bit but, more importantly, you can give them some consideration before we meet in person.
Sharon's letter to Nancy
***Sent to Nancy yesterday, Thursday, July 8***
Dear Nancy,
After a great deal of reflection, I have decided to write down my thoughts on what is happening with Noah and our respective families. My intent is to articulate my perspective on recent events as an adult who has taken Noah into my life, willingly and lovingly. It is because I love him that I want to convey my thoughts on what is happening now and some potentially disturbing consequences of choices we are all making or not making now.
To be direct, I do not think you are able to help Noah cope with his current challenges and stress. I believe it is not clear to him who the parent is in your household. I believe your life experience has not equipped you to make the hard choices and decisions that are better for Noah down the road even though they might not make him happy at the moment. I see you teaching Noah about addiction and codependency. I see you feeding and encouraging within him, an unhealthy and unsustainable appetite for violent video games. I see you doing homework with and for him, instead of teaching him how to use his own remarkable skills to solve problems and deal with stress. I hear about you speaking for him in his therapy sessions and I am sure you truly believe you are "interpreting" Noah for Dr. Jenkins. Noah is becoming and will ultimately be emotionally crippled thanks to all of your assistance. It is common knowledge that self-esteem comes from doing something that is difficult, something where success is not instantly won, and obstacles standing in the way of such tasks are only overcome using a combination of our wits and courage. Can you see the connection between all your "help" and debilitating codependency? How can he learn to take care of himself in a healthy way if you won't let him learn how?
The topic of video gaming has become a focus for you and Noah, but its clear to me that this is a symptom of the larger problem of how to impose healthy limits on a hurting child. Can you see that? We do a little video gaming at our house too. What remains sacrosanct is that our house be place that is safe for all family members, which means the games must be age appropriate. Sophia and Lincoln need to be able to walk around their home and feel safe. This means there cannot be any chance of their stumbling into any activity that could scare or disturb them. You seem convinced that nurturing a predilection for violent gaming is helping Noah. Since when has violence helped a child? The Supreme Court is hearing a case right now about how to legally prevent kids under 18 from purchasing violent video games. One argument is that the same controls need to be in place to protect kids from exposure to violent video game images as exist for use alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and pornography. If Noah got relief from alcohol and pornography, would you be encouraging that in your household? How is violence different? Is there any context in which this is appropriate? No. Lots of Noah's stress, understandably, comes from the inconsistencies between our two households. Do you really think we are going to allow violence in our house because you do in yours? Again, would you ask us to serve Noah alcohol or drugs if you did so in your house? This is profoundly bad logic and if that's would you expect for consistency, just try that reasoning out on any healthy family and see how it flies.
There's also Lincoln's situation to consider. I see Lincoln crying because he can't get much mom time that isn't dominated by Noah. He tells us he hangs out alone in his room most of the time while Noah plays hours of games on-line. Even if you think this statement is inaccurate, aren't you bothered that it appears to Lincoln like you have favored one of your sons over the other? I see you leaving Noah home alone for long stretches of time. I hope you will never again leave both boys at home along together after the disaster of last time. As for Noah, he is bright; he will be able to watch movies like "Full Metal Jacket" (Park told me he's expressed interest) when you are not around. I believe he will eventually do things like this not because his is a dishonest kid, but because you have encouraged an appetite that is unhealthy and you have taught him nothing about self control.
I know that you talk a good game in front of a judge and a shrink and that you likely have good intentions regarding your children, but I have seen no evidence that you have any kind plan for healing the rift you have allowed to develop between Noah and our family. You are the architect of this nightmare and because of your lack of communication about what you plan to change in yourself to help Noah get back on track is evidence of how out of touch you are with what is happening. By not demonstrating any strength of will or character, you are essentially keeping Noah from his father. I may be mistaken, but I would hazard a guess that you are waiting for a time when Noah will wake up and want limits on his game playing; a time when he will want to face his stress and cope with it. I believe you are delusional in your capacity to deny the inevitable conclusion of what will happen to a child who does not know limits, a child who does not know who is in charge of his household, a child who thinks, at twelve, that he can opt out of his family because his mother says its okay. What you are doing with Noah is so incredibly cruel and destructive that it makes me physically ill. Noah will not leave your house for lots of reasons, but part of it is that he worries if he leaves you that you will start drinking, so in that sense, he is the parent. How is that fair? How is that going to allow him to become and independent and hopefully happy teenager and adult? Do you think the stress of being a teenager will be less than it is now? I know Noah has unique troubles and needs special care, but there are ways to help him that do not involve putting him at greater risk or isolating him from people who love him.
The question now is how to proceed. What is the next step? The only time I have seen you change your behavior radically enough to get your kids out of harms way when you are forced by legal action to do so. Please forgive this intrusion into your privacy, but I wonder if you would be sober today if you did not have the threat of losing your children to force your hand? And now, even if you are and continue to be clean and sober (no small feat which I respect more than you know), I think Noah will continue to slide down a slippery slope of social withdrawal, anxiety, depression, and rock bottom self-esteem.
I am sure I have not considered all the possibilities and I assure you, I am aware that there is no clear solution that will not cause all parties involved to suffer. But here are some ways this drama could play out and at least a few immediate consequences for each:
1. We take legal action against you, and try to limit visitation so that your negative influence on Noah's development is minimized. CONSEQUENCE: Noah will never understand that we love him and want him to develop into a strong, capable, confident person and will spend all of his energy rebelling, acting out, and trying to get back home to take care of Mom. It would be expensive and painful for all involved.
2. We pressure both you and Noah into returning to a regular schedule between our two households, knowing that if this does not occur on a reasonable time table, punitive measures will come into play. CONSEQUENCE: There will be reduced visitation for you and Noah. Noah will continue to have to travel back and forth between two very different household environments which causes him stress.
3. We send Noah to a reputable boarding school, thereby removing him from the requirement of having to change households on a regular basis. I am not talking about a military school or anything punitive. The school would need to have excellent academics, be equipped to address Noah's particular emotional challenges and be a place that would have the solace of routine, predictable consequences, and opportunities for Noah to have "down time". CONSEQUENCE: We would all lose time with Noah, we would have equal opportunities to visit him, and he would likely be far from home. It would be expensive. He would probably resent all of us, but he would be taught skills that might help him make it when he is on his own. I cannot speak for Park, but I would risk being considered the bad guy (nothing new for me) if it meant getting Noah out of harm's way and giving him a shot at some sort of self-sufficiency down the road. Park predicts that you would move to wherever Noah was attending school to continue to feed your codependency and further sabotage Noah’s chances of gaining any independence. Would you really do that to him?
4. We do absolutely nothing and you get to continue in the scenario you have authored. But it begs the question, are you prepared to raise Noah on your own? Since you have allowed him to quit participating in our family, you would, of course, take on added responsibilities for his physical and mental health, meaning you would find the resources to start paying the doctor/dental/psychologist bills as well as all school fees.. I have started a 529 (OR College Savings Plan) for him and will continue to contribute to it with the understanding that the money will be available only for college and that he must be living independently and responsibly to have access to it. Down the road, there may be money available for Noah when he needs it later in life, but if this occurs, it will likely be under control of a trustee and will have limits and conditions for its potential uses. Off the top of my head, I would think that Noah would have to be gainfully employed, full time, and living independently for an extended period of time. He would need to be living a clean existence in all respects.
Having said all this, I want to ask you again, is the status quo really your what you want for Noah? Whose needs are really being met by the current arrangement? Do you think you can single-handedly meet all of Noah's particular requirements for a healthy child/teenager hood? Knowing that you have trouble changing your own behavior and history of losing power struggles with Noah, do you need us to be the "bad guys" and take legal action so you don't have to make the tough decisions? Perhaps this has been your plan all along? Hard to say in the absence of any solid reasoning from you.
Our family's time, energy, and finances are limited. We love all of our kids. If we spend most of our resources to undo damage that you have done and are currently doing with no support from you, at some point it is unsustainable and ineffectual. We need to support the children who do have a relationship with us. It is a tough and miserable set of circumstances, but I do have to consider the needs of the kids I can raise well and do my best not to sacrifice them to the needs of an unhealthy and un-parented child.
This is an awful letter, but it is honest, and circumspect. I have had high hopes for Noah and I love him dearly, which is why I cannot stand by and watch his opportunities for self-esteem and happiness diminish with each minute that he continues to believe he is broken and that he should hide from any source of stress. I caution you Nancy, because I think it is reasonable to expect that if you continue this course of inaction, that there will be a time when even your permissive household will be perceived as too constraining by our Noah, and I wonder what you will do then. At that point, he will be beyond the reach of all of us.
I know we have not been perfect parents to Noah either, but I think at our house, he is spared the burden of having to parent us because of an addiction or lack of self-sufficiency. Both Park and I work a lot of hours during the school year, but vacations and summers off gives us the opportunity to recharge and do some amazing things with the kids. Two working parents with young kids is stressful for all, but no more so than in many other families. It is real life, which is what is waiting for Noah when he leaves the video game room and your apartment. I believe we are ahead of the game because Park and I love and respect each other; we know our limits and can set them for those who cannot set their own. We are self aware enough to put our children first and our own emotional needs second. We make mistakes and falter, but we get up and continue doing the best we can to make healthy decisions by considering not only the immediate impact, but the consequences down the road.
I have met with Noah and Dr. Jenkins to hear your/his list of grievances and will do so again next week. I was proud of him for talking with me. I have no way of knowing if the sentiments expressed were his or yours. Either way, I hope Noah got some relief.
It is my hope that we can come to a consensus to do what is right for Noah when it is so clear that this present situation is untenable. Sincerely,
Dear Nancy,
After a great deal of reflection, I have decided to write down my thoughts on what is happening with Noah and our respective families. My intent is to articulate my perspective on recent events as an adult who has taken Noah into my life, willingly and lovingly. It is because I love him that I want to convey my thoughts on what is happening now and some potentially disturbing consequences of choices we are all making or not making now.
To be direct, I do not think you are able to help Noah cope with his current challenges and stress. I believe it is not clear to him who the parent is in your household. I believe your life experience has not equipped you to make the hard choices and decisions that are better for Noah down the road even though they might not make him happy at the moment. I see you teaching Noah about addiction and codependency. I see you feeding and encouraging within him, an unhealthy and unsustainable appetite for violent video games. I see you doing homework with and for him, instead of teaching him how to use his own remarkable skills to solve problems and deal with stress. I hear about you speaking for him in his therapy sessions and I am sure you truly believe you are "interpreting" Noah for Dr. Jenkins. Noah is becoming and will ultimately be emotionally crippled thanks to all of your assistance. It is common knowledge that self-esteem comes from doing something that is difficult, something where success is not instantly won, and obstacles standing in the way of such tasks are only overcome using a combination of our wits and courage. Can you see the connection between all your "help" and debilitating codependency? How can he learn to take care of himself in a healthy way if you won't let him learn how?
The topic of video gaming has become a focus for you and Noah, but its clear to me that this is a symptom of the larger problem of how to impose healthy limits on a hurting child. Can you see that? We do a little video gaming at our house too. What remains sacrosanct is that our house be place that is safe for all family members, which means the games must be age appropriate. Sophia and Lincoln need to be able to walk around their home and feel safe. This means there cannot be any chance of their stumbling into any activity that could scare or disturb them. You seem convinced that nurturing a predilection for violent gaming is helping Noah. Since when has violence helped a child? The Supreme Court is hearing a case right now about how to legally prevent kids under 18 from purchasing violent video games. One argument is that the same controls need to be in place to protect kids from exposure to violent video game images as exist for use alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and pornography. If Noah got relief from alcohol and pornography, would you be encouraging that in your household? How is violence different? Is there any context in which this is appropriate? No. Lots of Noah's stress, understandably, comes from the inconsistencies between our two households. Do you really think we are going to allow violence in our house because you do in yours? Again, would you ask us to serve Noah alcohol or drugs if you did so in your house? This is profoundly bad logic and if that's would you expect for consistency, just try that reasoning out on any healthy family and see how it flies.
There's also Lincoln's situation to consider. I see Lincoln crying because he can't get much mom time that isn't dominated by Noah. He tells us he hangs out alone in his room most of the time while Noah plays hours of games on-line. Even if you think this statement is inaccurate, aren't you bothered that it appears to Lincoln like you have favored one of your sons over the other? I see you leaving Noah home alone for long stretches of time. I hope you will never again leave both boys at home along together after the disaster of last time. As for Noah, he is bright; he will be able to watch movies like "Full Metal Jacket" (Park told me he's expressed interest) when you are not around. I believe he will eventually do things like this not because his is a dishonest kid, but because you have encouraged an appetite that is unhealthy and you have taught him nothing about self control.
I know that you talk a good game in front of a judge and a shrink and that you likely have good intentions regarding your children, but I have seen no evidence that you have any kind plan for healing the rift you have allowed to develop between Noah and our family. You are the architect of this nightmare and because of your lack of communication about what you plan to change in yourself to help Noah get back on track is evidence of how out of touch you are with what is happening. By not demonstrating any strength of will or character, you are essentially keeping Noah from his father. I may be mistaken, but I would hazard a guess that you are waiting for a time when Noah will wake up and want limits on his game playing; a time when he will want to face his stress and cope with it. I believe you are delusional in your capacity to deny the inevitable conclusion of what will happen to a child who does not know limits, a child who does not know who is in charge of his household, a child who thinks, at twelve, that he can opt out of his family because his mother says its okay. What you are doing with Noah is so incredibly cruel and destructive that it makes me physically ill. Noah will not leave your house for lots of reasons, but part of it is that he worries if he leaves you that you will start drinking, so in that sense, he is the parent. How is that fair? How is that going to allow him to become and independent and hopefully happy teenager and adult? Do you think the stress of being a teenager will be less than it is now? I know Noah has unique troubles and needs special care, but there are ways to help him that do not involve putting him at greater risk or isolating him from people who love him.
The question now is how to proceed. What is the next step? The only time I have seen you change your behavior radically enough to get your kids out of harms way when you are forced by legal action to do so. Please forgive this intrusion into your privacy, but I wonder if you would be sober today if you did not have the threat of losing your children to force your hand? And now, even if you are and continue to be clean and sober (no small feat which I respect more than you know), I think Noah will continue to slide down a slippery slope of social withdrawal, anxiety, depression, and rock bottom self-esteem.
I am sure I have not considered all the possibilities and I assure you, I am aware that there is no clear solution that will not cause all parties involved to suffer. But here are some ways this drama could play out and at least a few immediate consequences for each:
1. We take legal action against you, and try to limit visitation so that your negative influence on Noah's development is minimized. CONSEQUENCE: Noah will never understand that we love him and want him to develop into a strong, capable, confident person and will spend all of his energy rebelling, acting out, and trying to get back home to take care of Mom. It would be expensive and painful for all involved.
2. We pressure both you and Noah into returning to a regular schedule between our two households, knowing that if this does not occur on a reasonable time table, punitive measures will come into play. CONSEQUENCE: There will be reduced visitation for you and Noah. Noah will continue to have to travel back and forth between two very different household environments which causes him stress.
3. We send Noah to a reputable boarding school, thereby removing him from the requirement of having to change households on a regular basis. I am not talking about a military school or anything punitive. The school would need to have excellent academics, be equipped to address Noah's particular emotional challenges and be a place that would have the solace of routine, predictable consequences, and opportunities for Noah to have "down time". CONSEQUENCE: We would all lose time with Noah, we would have equal opportunities to visit him, and he would likely be far from home. It would be expensive. He would probably resent all of us, but he would be taught skills that might help him make it when he is on his own. I cannot speak for Park, but I would risk being considered the bad guy (nothing new for me) if it meant getting Noah out of harm's way and giving him a shot at some sort of self-sufficiency down the road. Park predicts that you would move to wherever Noah was attending school to continue to feed your codependency and further sabotage Noah’s chances of gaining any independence. Would you really do that to him?
4. We do absolutely nothing and you get to continue in the scenario you have authored. But it begs the question, are you prepared to raise Noah on your own? Since you have allowed him to quit participating in our family, you would, of course, take on added responsibilities for his physical and mental health, meaning you would find the resources to start paying the doctor/dental/psychologist bills as well as all school fees.. I have started a 529 (OR College Savings Plan) for him and will continue to contribute to it with the understanding that the money will be available only for college and that he must be living independently and responsibly to have access to it. Down the road, there may be money available for Noah when he needs it later in life, but if this occurs, it will likely be under control of a trustee and will have limits and conditions for its potential uses. Off the top of my head, I would think that Noah would have to be gainfully employed, full time, and living independently for an extended period of time. He would need to be living a clean existence in all respects.
Having said all this, I want to ask you again, is the status quo really your what you want for Noah? Whose needs are really being met by the current arrangement? Do you think you can single-handedly meet all of Noah's particular requirements for a healthy child/teenager hood? Knowing that you have trouble changing your own behavior and history of losing power struggles with Noah, do you need us to be the "bad guys" and take legal action so you don't have to make the tough decisions? Perhaps this has been your plan all along? Hard to say in the absence of any solid reasoning from you.
Our family's time, energy, and finances are limited. We love all of our kids. If we spend most of our resources to undo damage that you have done and are currently doing with no support from you, at some point it is unsustainable and ineffectual. We need to support the children who do have a relationship with us. It is a tough and miserable set of circumstances, but I do have to consider the needs of the kids I can raise well and do my best not to sacrifice them to the needs of an unhealthy and un-parented child.
This is an awful letter, but it is honest, and circumspect. I have had high hopes for Noah and I love him dearly, which is why I cannot stand by and watch his opportunities for self-esteem and happiness diminish with each minute that he continues to believe he is broken and that he should hide from any source of stress. I caution you Nancy, because I think it is reasonable to expect that if you continue this course of inaction, that there will be a time when even your permissive household will be perceived as too constraining by our Noah, and I wonder what you will do then. At that point, he will be beyond the reach of all of us.
I know we have not been perfect parents to Noah either, but I think at our house, he is spared the burden of having to parent us because of an addiction or lack of self-sufficiency. Both Park and I work a lot of hours during the school year, but vacations and summers off gives us the opportunity to recharge and do some amazing things with the kids. Two working parents with young kids is stressful for all, but no more so than in many other families. It is real life, which is what is waiting for Noah when he leaves the video game room and your apartment. I believe we are ahead of the game because Park and I love and respect each other; we know our limits and can set them for those who cannot set their own. We are self aware enough to put our children first and our own emotional needs second. We make mistakes and falter, but we get up and continue doing the best we can to make healthy decisions by considering not only the immediate impact, but the consequences down the road.
I have met with Noah and Dr. Jenkins to hear your/his list of grievances and will do so again next week. I was proud of him for talking with me. I have no way of knowing if the sentiments expressed were his or yours. Either way, I hope Noah got some relief.
It is my hope that we can come to a consensus to do what is right for Noah when it is so clear that this present situation is untenable. Sincerely,
Sharon W. Cooper
Thursday meeting
Today was our meeting to talk about issues regarding Noah and what else I'm doing that's wrong, pathetic, ineffectual and not taking a lead role. So you can guess how it went. I tried to explain to Sharon what I wanted truly in the best of all possible worlds: Both boys most of the time only seeing Nancy periodically (short) amounts of time. I explained that the only way that could happen is if I could prove her a bad mother but those are topics of discussion with Peter. I now have an appointment on July 29th, 2pm in the new offices. Sharon berated me about her being the one who has been driving all this and that she's not going to do it any more. So I'd better belly up to the bar and take over what is truly my responsibility anyway. I tried to explain that I have been doing what Peter suggested which was to work through therapy but she thinks that we've lost Noah already and that pressure must be put on Nancy to make him move back and forth. I think that's counter-productive to therapy and we talked about how long therapy does take. In the end, I asked her to read and suggest additions and changes to my letter to Peter. I will paste that in the next blog entry. Also we decided to amend her letter to Nancy and actually deliver that. So last night, I finished typing all that up and sent them to Peter and Sharon's letter to Nancy. The shit is really going to hit the fan now. That's for sure. I didn't want to alienate Nancy when bad things could happen as a result of this but I respect that the letter to Nancy was her true feelings, thoughts and concerns and I support that. While I don't agree with every word, I endorse, believe, support and agree with the spirit, intent and the vast majority of it.
The Doc, Noah, Myself and Sharon
I know Sharon is dreading this, as am I. I know Noah is going to say things that will hurt her. Hopefully it will improve things for Noah to get it off his chest...
...I thought it went well (until my $@#&-up at the end, more later) Noah was not able to verbalize many of the things on his list and had to have a few read by me. Sharon really was extremely nice, respectful-what can you say, it's Sharon. She asked for alot of clarification and examples which Noah was not able to give, so other than his having the oppotunity to "be heard", it was less helpful to us than it could have been.
I don't remember all the issues (and we only got through half, so, once more next week, (also Tuesday at 9:45) but let me see...............Her tone of voice upsets him (teacher voice). He feels as if he's trying but it'll never be good enough. He feels like the expectations are too high. I said that he is still expected to do family things with us but could occasionally opt out. Bad idea. Oops. I thought based on currently opting out on everything, doing most of what we do but asking to be let off the hook periodically might be OK.
It seems there were one or two more. I'll try to get the list and post it after the next session. Toward the end, I tried to write down things after each item on his list saying what the expectations might be or what we might change to help him. At the end, I said something to the effect that we would try to change what we could...meaning first, expectations and tone of voice,
but also only what we actually would be willing to. Sharon freaked out after the meeting. Thinking I meant that we would change everything so the rules are different for him and that he would not be required to change at all, that we would go beyond what we think reasonable just to appease him, that I just gave in on a power struggle, that she was left without support to swing in the breeze and that I was not on the same page with her. Of that was not what I intended but it just made her feel kicked after being "beaten up" by Noah. I feel so badly but her feelings are so raw that I guess I should pick my words more carefully.
...I thought it went well (until my $@#&-up at the end, more later) Noah was not able to verbalize many of the things on his list and had to have a few read by me. Sharon really was extremely nice, respectful-what can you say, it's Sharon. She asked for alot of clarification and examples which Noah was not able to give, so other than his having the oppotunity to "be heard", it was less helpful to us than it could have been.
I don't remember all the issues (and we only got through half, so, once more next week, (also Tuesday at 9:45) but let me see...............Her tone of voice upsets him (teacher voice). He feels as if he's trying but it'll never be good enough. He feels like the expectations are too high. I said that he is still expected to do family things with us but could occasionally opt out. Bad idea. Oops. I thought based on currently opting out on everything, doing most of what we do but asking to be let off the hook periodically might be OK.
It seems there were one or two more. I'll try to get the list and post it after the next session. Toward the end, I tried to write down things after each item on his list saying what the expectations might be or what we might change to help him. At the end, I said something to the effect that we would try to change what we could...meaning first, expectations and tone of voice,
but also only what we actually would be willing to. Sharon freaked out after the meeting. Thinking I meant that we would change everything so the rules are different for him and that he would not be required to change at all, that we would go beyond what we think reasonable just to appease him, that I just gave in on a power struggle, that she was left without support to swing in the breeze and that I was not on the same page with her. Of that was not what I intended but it just made her feel kicked after being "beaten up" by Noah. I feel so badly but her feelings are so raw that I guess I should pick my words more carefully.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Beach Trip
Well, the weather was awful but after all was said and done, we went anyway. I picked up the boys with Will and we met Mom and Dad in Salem. Kind of drizzled most of the day and we spent almost all of it in the museum with a first stop at Moe's in Lincoln City. Noah seemed to have an OK day with Will there.
After dinner at Mom & Dad's we took off for home and Lincoln and I were looking forward to "Clash of the Titans" but Noah started making noises about going "home" as soon as we got into the car. He was tired, he had a tummy ache, he needed some alone time, x, y & z. Finally he came up with a bargain..."How about I go home tonight and come for dinner and overnight tomorrow". When he added the part about I need to spend some time with Sharon before our meeting on Tuesday so...I checked in over and over again about if he would really come, if he was sure he wanted to make the bargain if he would rather spend the time just us boys (Friday, that night) or Saturday with Sharon and Sophia in the mix. He assured me that he wanted to do that so I took he and Will back to Nancy's. So, Lincoln and I went to the movie ourselves and woke up the next morning to work on a bunch of stuff.
I took the typical shit-storm from Sharon and she said that she would not be home that evening and would not spend time with Noah unless he called her and asked. Later in the day, I called and left a message to remind Noah about picking him up at 5. I was pretty forceful about making him live up to his word. Reminding him that it was his ideas. Sure enough, I got the call from Nancy upset about the tone and that Noah wasn't ready to come as he said. There was a fair amount of loud "conversation" that ranged all over. More on that later. Near the end I asked why Noah wasn't calling me, why did everything have to go through her. So we got disconnected and Noah called back to talk to me directly.
During the conversation, I asked what it is that makes Dad's house so awful. Why can't he come and spend a night? I gave him alot of time so he could answer the way he wanted but he never did.
I hesitate to recall the "discussion" with Nancy because I'm sure I won't remember even half of it all. I brought up the part about following through on one's word and Nancy responded with do I just want Noah to be here out of obligation or requirement or do I want him to want to spend time here. The answer is obvious but since I never see him, I never have the opportunity to talk with him about serious topics. Like the fact that he's always lying. Maybe it's out of a desire to not upset someone else. Like Nancy keeps on insisting he is doing because (she thinks) he is not able to process real consequences and his real feelings. She thinks he is people-pleasing when he agrees to do stuff. I was upset because, here I am paying for all this therapy, and we're going together but apparently nothing that happens there is reality and he is not really opening up and being truthful. Why am I paying for that? Nancy insists that it takes lots and lots of time. She thinks that baby steps are making progress but I don't agree. He back-slides every time he goes back there. I finally asked how we got here? How did we go from "He needs to stay to work on homework" a few times to never seeing him again? She didn't have an answer for that. It was somewhere after this that we got disconnected. I'm sure I've missed a ton but, this is probably the best I can do. There was a part of the conversation that had to do with teaching Noah what's right and how to treat people (like living up to your word or calling people, talking to them in person) but as I said before, I don't get to "teach" him those things because he is never around for me to do that. After we got disconnected, he called back and we talked as I mentioned above.
I just miss my boy. I am so sad and depressed about what we're all missing out on. The hole in my heart is gaping and almost crippling. I try to keep a brave face for Lincoln and Sophia but I'm in a deep, dark place.
After dinner at Mom & Dad's we took off for home and Lincoln and I were looking forward to "Clash of the Titans" but Noah started making noises about going "home" as soon as we got into the car. He was tired, he had a tummy ache, he needed some alone time, x, y & z. Finally he came up with a bargain..."How about I go home tonight and come for dinner and overnight tomorrow". When he added the part about I need to spend some time with Sharon before our meeting on Tuesday so...I checked in over and over again about if he would really come, if he was sure he wanted to make the bargain if he would rather spend the time just us boys (Friday, that night) or Saturday with Sharon and Sophia in the mix. He assured me that he wanted to do that so I took he and Will back to Nancy's. So, Lincoln and I went to the movie ourselves and woke up the next morning to work on a bunch of stuff.
I took the typical shit-storm from Sharon and she said that she would not be home that evening and would not spend time with Noah unless he called her and asked. Later in the day, I called and left a message to remind Noah about picking him up at 5. I was pretty forceful about making him live up to his word. Reminding him that it was his ideas. Sure enough, I got the call from Nancy upset about the tone and that Noah wasn't ready to come as he said. There was a fair amount of loud "conversation" that ranged all over. More on that later. Near the end I asked why Noah wasn't calling me, why did everything have to go through her. So we got disconnected and Noah called back to talk to me directly.
During the conversation, I asked what it is that makes Dad's house so awful. Why can't he come and spend a night? I gave him alot of time so he could answer the way he wanted but he never did.
I hesitate to recall the "discussion" with Nancy because I'm sure I won't remember even half of it all. I brought up the part about following through on one's word and Nancy responded with do I just want Noah to be here out of obligation or requirement or do I want him to want to spend time here. The answer is obvious but since I never see him, I never have the opportunity to talk with him about serious topics. Like the fact that he's always lying. Maybe it's out of a desire to not upset someone else. Like Nancy keeps on insisting he is doing because (she thinks) he is not able to process real consequences and his real feelings. She thinks he is people-pleasing when he agrees to do stuff. I was upset because, here I am paying for all this therapy, and we're going together but apparently nothing that happens there is reality and he is not really opening up and being truthful. Why am I paying for that? Nancy insists that it takes lots and lots of time. She thinks that baby steps are making progress but I don't agree. He back-slides every time he goes back there. I finally asked how we got here? How did we go from "He needs to stay to work on homework" a few times to never seeing him again? She didn't have an answer for that. It was somewhere after this that we got disconnected. I'm sure I've missed a ton but, this is probably the best I can do. There was a part of the conversation that had to do with teaching Noah what's right and how to treat people (like living up to your word or calling people, talking to them in person) but as I said before, I don't get to "teach" him those things because he is never around for me to do that. After we got disconnected, he called back and we talked as I mentioned above.
I just miss my boy. I am so sad and depressed about what we're all missing out on. The hole in my heart is gaping and almost crippling. I try to keep a brave face for Lincoln and Sophia but I'm in a deep, dark place.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Truthfulness
I got call from Nancy on Wednesday morning. Noah was having 2nd, 3rd and 4th thoughts about going to the beach on Saturday. Basically, Nancy was saying that he wasn't being truthful about his feelings. Saying or agreeing to what others wanted him to do as opposed to what he really felt or wanted himself. Apparently, according to her, he was not being truthful in our meetings. Somehow he didn't feel "safe" telling us his real feelings. On the beach thing, Noah didn't know that Sharon was not going with us. That changed the dynamic a little bit but not enough to make him want to go. More on that later.
I got to the Drs. office, Nancy and Noah were there. I asked Noah how he was and I finally got out of him that he didn't feel like talking today. He wanted Nancy to go into meeting with us today and I agreed because I want him to feel as if he can have someone on his side who just might help us hear some truthful feelings from Noah.
The doctor spent almost 15 minutes for the first part of the meeting trying to get Noah to respond. Noah didn't remember the last meeting and he was telling us how he was trying to remember what people were saying so that he could respond but that he was losing what everyone was saying as soon as the next thing came out.
Finally Nancy broke in with a overlong diatribe about the time of day, medication, eating right, blood sugar, awareness............................................................... Anyway, basically we changed the meeting times to morning meetings on Tuesdays at 11:00. That way he could be more alert and more able to follow what was going on and participate better. Also the doctor is going to look for a medication that may help the eating thing. Nancy was saying that basically he only eats breakfast and dinner because the Concerta makes him feel nauseous about food. Which causes his blood sugar, energy and brain activity to all be lower than ideal to process stuff. In fact, Nancy was saying that Noah was not processing at all because of all this and that the Concerta helped with the hyperactivity but it did not improve his processing abilities.
After that was over we talked about how we really want Noah to be honest with us and about the beach trip. The doctor tried to pull out of Noah what the real problem was with the trip and he couldn't. Nancy broke in about Noah needing the ability to "escape" at times and what things he liked doing at the beach. So we came up with inviting Noah's friend Will to go with us and asking Yiayia and Papou to do things that Noah wants to do. I worked all that out and will be calling Will's parents shortly.
As the session let out I reminded Noah of the plan for Friday at the coast and about calling Sharon to invite her to session. We did not, however, broach the subject of the one day a week at Dad's or 2 days a week in August. I will talk with Noah tomorrow (Friday) and put my foot down.
Sharon and I just finished our talk about things and amonst other things we are going to find a counselor (marriage) and each pay half. I need to be more forceful with both Noah and Nancy. Nancy needs to be held more financially responsible for Noah's health care costs. After all, she is "parenting" him most of the time. I may have to get the Laywer involved again and explore other options. Sharon mentioned both a go-between that could mediate interactions or communicate between us. Also the possibility of a designated legal guardian or something who could be the deciding "vote" when things can't be resolved or agreed upon. Sharon is very upset and concerned that I don't "lay down the law" for lack of better ready phrase. She feels that I don't really hear her but I feel like I am doing (according to Peter) the only thing that actually has a possibility of working. He said, very clearly, that the legal paths are only mildly successful, very expensive and makes no one happy in the end. The difficulty in doing anything is that whatever I try to do, Nancy undoes in her time with Noah.
I am still having the financial difficulties paying all the bills and incurring more through having my vasectomy. I am going to have to ask Mom & Dad for a loan or to take care of Noah's bills for me or a gift to get me paid up. I will call doctors & lawyers today.
I got to the Drs. office, Nancy and Noah were there. I asked Noah how he was and I finally got out of him that he didn't feel like talking today. He wanted Nancy to go into meeting with us today and I agreed because I want him to feel as if he can have someone on his side who just might help us hear some truthful feelings from Noah.
The doctor spent almost 15 minutes for the first part of the meeting trying to get Noah to respond. Noah didn't remember the last meeting and he was telling us how he was trying to remember what people were saying so that he could respond but that he was losing what everyone was saying as soon as the next thing came out.
Finally Nancy broke in with a overlong diatribe about the time of day, medication, eating right, blood sugar, awareness............................................................... Anyway, basically we changed the meeting times to morning meetings on Tuesdays at 11:00. That way he could be more alert and more able to follow what was going on and participate better. Also the doctor is going to look for a medication that may help the eating thing. Nancy was saying that basically he only eats breakfast and dinner because the Concerta makes him feel nauseous about food. Which causes his blood sugar, energy and brain activity to all be lower than ideal to process stuff. In fact, Nancy was saying that Noah was not processing at all because of all this and that the Concerta helped with the hyperactivity but it did not improve his processing abilities.
After that was over we talked about how we really want Noah to be honest with us and about the beach trip. The doctor tried to pull out of Noah what the real problem was with the trip and he couldn't. Nancy broke in about Noah needing the ability to "escape" at times and what things he liked doing at the beach. So we came up with inviting Noah's friend Will to go with us and asking Yiayia and Papou to do things that Noah wants to do. I worked all that out and will be calling Will's parents shortly.
As the session let out I reminded Noah of the plan for Friday at the coast and about calling Sharon to invite her to session. We did not, however, broach the subject of the one day a week at Dad's or 2 days a week in August. I will talk with Noah tomorrow (Friday) and put my foot down.
Sharon and I just finished our talk about things and amonst other things we are going to find a counselor (marriage) and each pay half. I need to be more forceful with both Noah and Nancy. Nancy needs to be held more financially responsible for Noah's health care costs. After all, she is "parenting" him most of the time. I may have to get the Laywer involved again and explore other options. Sharon mentioned both a go-between that could mediate interactions or communicate between us. Also the possibility of a designated legal guardian or something who could be the deciding "vote" when things can't be resolved or agreed upon. Sharon is very upset and concerned that I don't "lay down the law" for lack of better ready phrase. She feels that I don't really hear her but I feel like I am doing (according to Peter) the only thing that actually has a possibility of working. He said, very clearly, that the legal paths are only mildly successful, very expensive and makes no one happy in the end. The difficulty in doing anything is that whatever I try to do, Nancy undoes in her time with Noah.
I am still having the financial difficulties paying all the bills and incurring more through having my vasectomy. I am going to have to ask Mom & Dad for a loan or to take care of Noah's bills for me or a gift to get me paid up. I will call doctors & lawyers today.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Reconnecting with the doc
A good meeting with Dr. Jenkins today. We started by reviewing what Noah and I had done together but soon started talking about Noah spending the night when we go to the beach with Mom and Dad (Yiayia & Papou) next weekend (Friday). He seemed OK with that and I expressed how I'd like to do 1 day a week in July and 2 days in August and then continuing that into the school year. He seemed OK with those ideas.
Dr. Jenkins asked Noah what his level of anxiety with all that was. After WAY TOO MUCH in the way of examples and stuff, we didn't have a good answer. It was clear to me that we needed to separate out the key elements and I asked Noah about being at home with Dad, Lincoln and Sophia...on a scale of 1 (I've gotta sharpen my pencil now) to 10 (Mom might pass away and then where'd I be), Noah called that a 2. Being home with Sharon was a 7. Noah reacted positively to Dr. Jenkin's suggestion that if Sharon came to therapy with him they could talk about what causes the anxiety about his interacting with her. We spent a fair amount of time trying to get Noah to suggest some things they might talk about in session. I am going to talk to Nancy about writing for Noah some of the things that he would like to tell her or share during those sessions. He did say that he would rather I were there for those meetings. I don't know if she would be interested or willing but I will ask. Meanwhile, I did tell Noah that he would need to ask her if she would come to therapy with him (and I).
At the end I talked with Jenkins about trouble making payments and tried to cancel one of the meetings. He suggested only one co-pay a week. I feel the need to cancel one. I had thought to cancel the Wed. meetings but then I thought that for the summer, it might be better to cancel the Saturday meetings. I need to talk this over with Sharon.
Dr. Jenkins asked Noah what his level of anxiety with all that was. After WAY TOO MUCH in the way of examples and stuff, we didn't have a good answer. It was clear to me that we needed to separate out the key elements and I asked Noah about being at home with Dad, Lincoln and Sophia...on a scale of 1 (I've gotta sharpen my pencil now) to 10 (Mom might pass away and then where'd I be), Noah called that a 2. Being home with Sharon was a 7. Noah reacted positively to Dr. Jenkin's suggestion that if Sharon came to therapy with him they could talk about what causes the anxiety about his interacting with her. We spent a fair amount of time trying to get Noah to suggest some things they might talk about in session. I am going to talk to Nancy about writing for Noah some of the things that he would like to tell her or share during those sessions. He did say that he would rather I were there for those meetings. I don't know if she would be interested or willing but I will ask. Meanwhile, I did tell Noah that he would need to ask her if she would come to therapy with him (and I).
At the end I talked with Jenkins about trouble making payments and tried to cancel one of the meetings. He suggested only one co-pay a week. I feel the need to cancel one. I had thought to cancel the Wed. meetings but then I thought that for the summer, it might be better to cancel the Saturday meetings. I need to talk this over with Sharon.
Too much to remember
June 26, 2010
Well, it's obviously been a long time since my last post. What with school ending, summer beginning, the canoe trip and the fall out...this is the first real chance I've had. A few key things from the past several weeks. Nancy and I changed the "order" on kid exchange since the canoe trip would have been my week and then it made Father's day a with-boys day.
I've seen Noah several times in the past several weeks. Each has been positive and, I think, steps in the right direction. Just before school ended, we made rockets one day. Then what with all the other stuff we didn't fire them off till Wed. of this week. I went over to Nancy's since Will and Luke were been watched by Nancy and I helped Luke make a quickie rocket. The boys decorated each of their own with Lincoln's duct tape collection then off to the park with Nancy and Linda, Will & Luke in addition to the boys. A great time was had by all and I took Noah home.
Noah met with Dr. J. later that day but I didn't go. Speaking of the Doc...we have missed several meetings recently. First the doctor had to cancel due to car troubles, then the canoe trip weekend, Nancy cancelled. Fine with me it saves money. More on that later. Meanwhile, we also skipped last weekend because the doctor's daughter was getting married so that one was pre-cancelled. Today we'll finally meet again and I really want to get things moving. I want Noah to spend one overnight a week transitioning to 2 in August.
Noah and I went to see Prince of Persia, just he and I and that was good. Noah also came for Father's day. Dad and Gramps were here too. Grant was here and Sharon did a big chicken, rib & corn thing with a salad, beans, etc. It was great but Noah didn't eat or interact with many of the grown up folk but spent a fair amount of time playing with the magnatiles. I played with him several times10-15 minutes at a time. I asked several times if he was having a good time and he said he was. The time that I sat down with him and actually talked about how it was going he said that it was fine because no one was giving him a hard time about...I forget how he put it...the issues. Later there was a Daddy-Daughter dance and so I got dressed and dropped the boys on the way.
About the money situation. Bills are stacking up and I just can't afford extra stuff so the thing that seems like it could go is the extra Wednesday's meetings so I'm going to cancel that today. It just seems like extra contact so the doctor can build a better connection with Noah. I think that connection has been established so I'm going to cut that out and push the doctor to encourage Nancy that she needs to join the sessions soon.
As a sideline, Sharon suggested offering Nancy custody of Noah. I also have to get on her about the money issue. If Noah is going to live with her she needs to be footing most of the costs--any would be an improvement. I don't know about the custody thing but with me having primary custody, it's never been an issue for her to have her time with them. On the other hand changing custody loses us the tax advantage and would cost huge with lawyers. Hmmmmmm,.
Well, it's obviously been a long time since my last post. What with school ending, summer beginning, the canoe trip and the fall out...this is the first real chance I've had. A few key things from the past several weeks. Nancy and I changed the "order" on kid exchange since the canoe trip would have been my week and then it made Father's day a with-boys day.
I've seen Noah several times in the past several weeks. Each has been positive and, I think, steps in the right direction. Just before school ended, we made rockets one day. Then what with all the other stuff we didn't fire them off till Wed. of this week. I went over to Nancy's since Will and Luke were been watched by Nancy and I helped Luke make a quickie rocket. The boys decorated each of their own with Lincoln's duct tape collection then off to the park with Nancy and Linda, Will & Luke in addition to the boys. A great time was had by all and I took Noah home.
Noah met with Dr. J. later that day but I didn't go. Speaking of the Doc...we have missed several meetings recently. First the doctor had to cancel due to car troubles, then the canoe trip weekend, Nancy cancelled. Fine with me it saves money. More on that later. Meanwhile, we also skipped last weekend because the doctor's daughter was getting married so that one was pre-cancelled. Today we'll finally meet again and I really want to get things moving. I want Noah to spend one overnight a week transitioning to 2 in August.
Noah and I went to see Prince of Persia, just he and I and that was good. Noah also came for Father's day. Dad and Gramps were here too. Grant was here and Sharon did a big chicken, rib & corn thing with a salad, beans, etc. It was great but Noah didn't eat or interact with many of the grown up folk but spent a fair amount of time playing with the magnatiles. I played with him several times10-15 minutes at a time. I asked several times if he was having a good time and he said he was. The time that I sat down with him and actually talked about how it was going he said that it was fine because no one was giving him a hard time about...I forget how he put it...the issues. Later there was a Daddy-Daughter dance and so I got dressed and dropped the boys on the way.
About the money situation. Bills are stacking up and I just can't afford extra stuff so the thing that seems like it could go is the extra Wednesday's meetings so I'm going to cancel that today. It just seems like extra contact so the doctor can build a better connection with Noah. I think that connection has been established so I'm going to cut that out and push the doctor to encourage Nancy that she needs to join the sessions soon.
As a sideline, Sharon suggested offering Nancy custody of Noah. I also have to get on her about the money issue. If Noah is going to live with her she needs to be footing most of the costs--any would be an improvement. I don't know about the custody thing but with me having primary custody, it's never been an issue for her to have her time with them. On the other hand changing custody loses us the tax advantage and would cost huge with lawyers. Hmmmmmm,.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Back to the Doctor...
Well, it almost goes without saying that the whole session was focussed on the discussion between Sharon and Noah. But I didn't have a copy yet of the last blog showing what Sharon said to Noah so the discussion centered on Noah feeling stuck about how to respond to "criticisms". Dr. Jenkins gave some useful strategies that they will work on in the Wed. sessions and I suggested "I'm sorry. I know, I am working on it in my sessions with dad and Dr. Jenkins." We practiced that some. My disappointment at this time is that we didn't actually talk about what truly was said because Noah doesn't remember or wont' say and I didn't have the text yet.
Sharon talks with Noah
Sharon sent this to me...
As best as I can remember, this is what I talked to Noah about on Friday evening, May 14 @7:30-ish.
Noah, its great to see you. I want you to know that even though we all love you and are happy to see you, I cannot pretend that everything is all right. All of us here are hurt by the choices you have made, especially your Dad. You have chosen a harder way to go because it is going to take more work on your part to repair this hurt, and that is something you are going to have to do yourself. Don't worry about me or Sophia, but maybe focus on your Dad. You told me Dr. Jenkins is helping you and I'm very glad for that. It all starts with just putting a little effort and just spending some time with us. No one's expecting anything big, but people here love you and need to know you that you want to spend a little time here. We miss you Noah. I love you and I understand you are going through a hard time, but you still need to try, just a little, okay?Pizza and a movie?
Noah didn't want to stay for a movie, like I said, but after dinner we did go for a walk (all of us). Noah seemed very distant on the walk. It turns out that while I was getting changed and shoes on Sharon talked with Noah and while what she said was loving and caring it was also what she needed to say about the damage Noah had/has done and what would be needed to correct that. I will post it as a blog entry soon, but needless to say, it made Noah withdraw even more. I am very disappointed that it had to happen now, but Sharon is the kind of person who doesn't really hold back and is usually brutally honest. I just think it was ill-timed but now I guess I just have to deal with the fall-out.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Back to the Dr.
We had an OK week not focusing much on Noah or Nancy. Sharon met a woman who did send here ADHD son to a boarding school and she wanted to talk about that scenario which we did for awhile but then I just said that I needed to get away from it awhile so we just worked through the week.
Today Noah and I went to see Dr. Jenkins and he/we told the Dr. about the Sunday, watch Noah play video games EVENT. Followed up with the working on the Bike computer thing. The doctor said that sounded good. I wanted Noah to tell me why he invited me over for that instead of the "breakfast" that we had talked about initially. He couldn't/wouldn't tell me what he was thinking. The doctor cleverly made the point that dad probably doesn't really enjoy that kind of an activity but to see it once wasn't too bad. We talked a bit about the violence that I witnessed and how disturbing that was. The doctor thought that Noah had some perspective (I can't remember where this was going...) But we made another attempt to have Noah join us on Friday, next for pizza and a movie. I even let him choose.
So during the week I reminded Noah about Friday but when I picked him up he only wanted to join us for pizza and not the movie so we went on a walk after dinner. More next blog.
Today Noah and I went to see Dr. Jenkins and he/we told the Dr. about the Sunday, watch Noah play video games EVENT. Followed up with the working on the Bike computer thing. The doctor said that sounded good. I wanted Noah to tell me why he invited me over for that instead of the "breakfast" that we had talked about initially. He couldn't/wouldn't tell me what he was thinking. The doctor cleverly made the point that dad probably doesn't really enjoy that kind of an activity but to see it once wasn't too bad. We talked a bit about the violence that I witnessed and how disturbing that was. The doctor thought that Noah had some perspective (I can't remember where this was going...) But we made another attempt to have Noah join us on Friday, next for pizza and a movie. I even let him choose.
So during the week I reminded Noah about Friday but when I picked him up he only wanted to join us for pizza and not the movie so we went on a walk after dinner. More next blog.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Letter from Peter Bunch to Nancy
Below is the text of the letter or...
Click here to see the actual letter PDF
ZIMMER & BUNCH LLC
Attorneys at Law
680 Umpqua Bank Plaza
Gary J. Zimmer One S.W. Columbia Street
Peter Bunch Portland, Oregon 97258-2007
Angela M. Bentz
Carey M. Haladay Telephone: 503-295-6191
Sarah H. Bond Facsimile: 503-294-0108
Attorneys email: peter@zimmer-law.com
Website: www.zimmer-law.com
K:\PB\SHAFFER, PARK\NICKLES 01.DOC
April XX, 2010
Nancy Nickles
2118 19th St., Apt #15
West Linn, OR 97068
Re: Custody and Parenting Time Issues with Park Shaffer
Dear Ms. Nickles:
Please be advised that I represent Park Shaffer. I have reviewed the judgment
of dissolution of marriage. It is my understanding that you and Mr. Shaffer now reside in
Clackamas County. In the event that there are future legal proceedings between the
two of you, Mr. Shaffer believes it makes sense to change the venue of any legal
proceedings to Clackamas County. Accordingly, I enclose for your review a stipulated
order transferring venue of your case to Clackamas County.
If the form and substance of this order are acceptable, please sign where
indicated before a notary public. Please then send the order to me in the enclosed, selfaddressed,
stamped envelope. I have also enclosed a copy for your records.
Please understand that this document impacts legal rights. You should have an
attorney of your choice review the document. If you do not have an attorney, the
telephone number of the Oregon State Bar attorney referral service is 503.684.3763.
It is my further understanding that, pursuant to the terms of your judgment of
dissolution of marriage, you and Mr. Shaffer are to have equal parenting time with your
two children. Noah, however, has not been participating in the court-ordered parenting
time. Mr. Shaffer believes that the status quo is not in Noah's bests interests.
Accordingly, he is requesting that you immediately meet with him, and Noah's
psychologist, Dr. Terry Jenkins, to establish a predictable and prompt reunification plan
to effectuate the court-ordered parenting time between Noah and his father, as well as
Noah and his brother.
Noah plainly needs the love and support of both parents. He is not of an age at
which he has the discretion to decide at which house he will reside. You are also at risk
of being in contempt of court if you do not facilitate, and encourage, Noah's parenting
time with his father.
Z I M M E R & B U N C H L L C
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
Nancy Nickles
RE: Custody and Parenting Time Issues with Park Shaffer
April XX, 2010
Page 2
K:\PB\SHAFFER, PARK\NICKLES 01.DOC
Mr. Shaffer will be contacting you regarding working together with Dr. Jenkins to
resolve these issues. Please understand that he has authorized me to take appropriate
legal action unless you promptly work with Mr. Shaffer to address the serious problems
with the current parenting time arrangement and its impact on Noah.
If you retain a lawyer, please provide a copy of this correspondence to him or
her. I will direct all future correspondence to your lawyer.
Mr. Shaffer wants to reiterate that it is in the children's best interests to resolve all
issues amicably. He is committed to doing so.
Very truly yours,
ZIMMER & BUNCH LLC
Peter Bunch
PB/am
Click here to see the actual letter PDF
ZIMMER & BUNCH LLC
Attorneys at Law
680 Umpqua Bank Plaza
Gary J. Zimmer One S.W. Columbia Street
Peter Bunch Portland, Oregon 97258-2007
Angela M. Bentz
Carey M. Haladay Telephone: 503-295-6191
Sarah H. Bond Facsimile: 503-294-0108
Attorneys email: peter@zimmer-law.com
Website: www.zimmer-law.com
K:\PB\SHAFFER, PARK\NICKLES 01.DOC
April XX, 2010
Nancy Nickles
2118 19th St., Apt #15
West Linn, OR 97068
Re: Custody and Parenting Time Issues with Park Shaffer
Dear Ms. Nickles:
Please be advised that I represent Park Shaffer. I have reviewed the judgment
of dissolution of marriage. It is my understanding that you and Mr. Shaffer now reside in
Clackamas County. In the event that there are future legal proceedings between the
two of you, Mr. Shaffer believes it makes sense to change the venue of any legal
proceedings to Clackamas County. Accordingly, I enclose for your review a stipulated
order transferring venue of your case to Clackamas County.
If the form and substance of this order are acceptable, please sign where
indicated before a notary public. Please then send the order to me in the enclosed, selfaddressed,
stamped envelope. I have also enclosed a copy for your records.
Please understand that this document impacts legal rights. You should have an
attorney of your choice review the document. If you do not have an attorney, the
telephone number of the Oregon State Bar attorney referral service is 503.684.3763.
It is my further understanding that, pursuant to the terms of your judgment of
dissolution of marriage, you and Mr. Shaffer are to have equal parenting time with your
two children. Noah, however, has not been participating in the court-ordered parenting
time. Mr. Shaffer believes that the status quo is not in Noah's bests interests.
Accordingly, he is requesting that you immediately meet with him, and Noah's
psychologist, Dr. Terry Jenkins, to establish a predictable and prompt reunification plan
to effectuate the court-ordered parenting time between Noah and his father, as well as
Noah and his brother.
Noah plainly needs the love and support of both parents. He is not of an age at
which he has the discretion to decide at which house he will reside. You are also at risk
of being in contempt of court if you do not facilitate, and encourage, Noah's parenting
time with his father.
Z I M M E R & B U N C H L L C
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
Nancy Nickles
RE: Custody and Parenting Time Issues with Park Shaffer
April XX, 2010
Page 2
K:\PB\SHAFFER, PARK\NICKLES 01.DOC
Mr. Shaffer will be contacting you regarding working together with Dr. Jenkins to
resolve these issues. Please understand that he has authorized me to take appropriate
legal action unless you promptly work with Mr. Shaffer to address the serious problems
with the current parenting time arrangement and its impact on Noah.
If you retain a lawyer, please provide a copy of this correspondence to him or
her. I will direct all future correspondence to your lawyer.
Mr. Shaffer wants to reiterate that it is in the children's best interests to resolve all
issues amicably. He is committed to doing so.
Very truly yours,
ZIMMER & BUNCH LLC
Peter Bunch
PB/am
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday
I called Nancy's at about 9:30 after Lincoln and I helped Sharon get Sophia to church to see if Noah felt better and if he wanted to go to breakfast with me. Nancy told me that I should go over to her house to watch Noah play video games. The only reason I did that was to not be seen as belligerent, reluctant or resistive parent. I can't think of anything that is more repugnant to me but I went in the hopes that eventually I could build some goodwill and get Noah to come out with me. After an hour of the unbelievable gore, Nancy returned (Lincoln didn't go with her, they did some things later on) and I said to Noah "let's go attach your bike computer to your bike and figure out how it works." He jumped right up and shut his game down so off we went and had, what I think was, a great time. It was cooperative, we had to figure out alot of stuff but we finally got it. He was complaining of a headache (probably "detox" from the video games) so I took him back. As we went back to Nancy's I told Noah that videogames are not my thing and when we get together we need to go "out" somewhere. I suggested OMSI (just he and I), a walk, a picnic, some other project, a chocolate walk downtown, taking a class together (sailing, aikido, kayaking, etc.)
I brought Lincoln home. Lincoln, Sophia, Sharon and I had a wonderful walk up by the Pittock Mansion and around the Pearl then dinner at Henry's and Ice cream at B & J. Sharon went to a Mother's group meeting at JoAnn & Shannon's house.
When Sharon returned, we talked about boarding school because she met someone at the meeting that sent there ADHD son to one and it was a great thing that really helped with some of the issues he faced. He doesn't even hate his parents. I wonder if they are/were separated. I need to call Peter Bunch to examine this idea with a legal eye.
I brought Lincoln home. Lincoln, Sophia, Sharon and I had a wonderful walk up by the Pittock Mansion and around the Pearl then dinner at Henry's and Ice cream at B & J. Sharon went to a Mother's group meeting at JoAnn & Shannon's house.
When Sharon returned, we talked about boarding school because she met someone at the meeting that sent there ADHD son to one and it was a great thing that really helped with some of the issues he faced. He doesn't even hate his parents. I wonder if they are/were separated. I need to call Peter Bunch to examine this idea with a legal eye.
The same day
While we were at session, Sharon was home with Lincoln & Sophia. Apparently Lincoln was feeling like he was missing his mom. Mostly that he didn't get much time with her alone whereas Noah got alot. He called her. This is one of the calls that kept her from getting that much needed nap! Her child calls and tells her how much he really wants to spend time with her and she couldn't comfort him and tell him that she would try her best to make that happen. He was sobbing and so after the call Sharon talked to him & comforted him. He asked if Dad could make that happen and Sharon told him that only his Mother could make it happen. He was so hurt and disappointed that his mom chose Noah.
2nd session with Noah & I
Well, already pretty deflated by the Friday night fiasco, I had tried to arrange with Nancy that I would take Noah to the Dr.'s since we would be going from there to Yiayia & Papou's but she
indicated that he wanted her to take him to session. I don't know why we both have to pay for the gas, but, oh well. Meanwhile, she tells me that "he" wasn't sure if he would feel up to the trip to see Yiayia & Papou. You know, he never talks to me...it always comes through her so I never really know how he feels. So I was left with this huge sense of foreboding and disappointment.
Meanwhile, standing outside the Dr. building, as Nancy got on the phone, I got Noah's attention and told him about Mother's day and that we should do something. He talked about Nancy trying to get herbs to grow out back and he suggested buying her some flowering plants too. I said that we could go to Fred Meyer Saturday either before or after session and get some potting soil and pots too. He said that that would be fine--he'd go with me.
Meanwhile, Nancy was on the phone trying to arrange a "play date" with Will's mother Linda for that very afternoon when we were supposed to be going to see Noah's grandparents. Apparently he "didn't feel well enough" to see them so before he even told me any of that, she was arranging a "preferable" alternative activity. Now, maybe it's just me but if your too sick to see your grandparents aren't you also too sick to be seeing friends? Nancy totally undermined our plans and I am guessing that she suggested to Noah that he shouldn't go. Noah indicated to me that he knew ahead of time that she was trying to arrange a get together will Will that same afternoon. So clearly this was well-planned out as a way to get him to stay in West Linn and not go with us.
Anyway, we went up to session and Nancy waited in the waiting room (which I did't know until after when we woke her up). More on that later. Meanwhile, session was pretty useless that day. The doctor asked about Friday, as I knew he would. I took a backseat and let Noah tell him about what happened. He had to drag it out of him. Noah is the least linear person on the planet. I told the doctor that I was impressed that Noah suggested an alternate arrangement for breakfast that day but it hadn't worked out either. We talked about going to Yiayia & Papou's and the doctor tried to get Noah to partially participate. To take his Gameboy or his audiobook or just excuse himself to sleep or hang out in a quiet room after dinner so that he could still have alot of quiet alone time. Of course Noah resisted every attempt because he had the idea of videogame time with Will to look forward to. I said nothing. The rest of the session about revolting against the "voice Noah hears inside himself". Whatever that means. At the end I said that I would call Noah in the morning and that we could try the breakfast thing again and that Lincoln could spend the time with his mom.
When we got in the waiting room Nancy was there. We woke her up and she complained about how the phone calls kept her from catching up on sleep. Why she should be tired, I have no idea but nothing about her makes any sense to me. Keep this sleeping and complaining in mind for the next post.
Nancy made a point of suggesting in front of the doctor that Noah could invite me over to "watch Noah play video games" and maybe interact with him there. I didn't respond because the idea was so heinous that I was struck dumb.
So we had a great time with Mom & Dad. Grant came and we had a good dinner. Mom and Dad wanted all the poop on Noah's situation and reluctantly we (Sharon & I) shared pretty much everything. Dad actually had an interesting idea--boarding school. My fear, which I shared, is that by sending Noah away from his Dad and Mom puts me in the position of looking like a bad parent. I think that Nancy could bring suit and possibly win a custody battle on that basis. I'm not sure I even want the battle. We shared with dad & mom that what would likely happen is that if therapy doesn't work we may just have to give up. How f@#$%ing depressing is that?
indicated that he wanted her to take him to session. I don't know why we both have to pay for the gas, but, oh well. Meanwhile, she tells me that "he" wasn't sure if he would feel up to the trip to see Yiayia & Papou. You know, he never talks to me...it always comes through her so I never really know how he feels. So I was left with this huge sense of foreboding and disappointment.
Meanwhile, standing outside the Dr. building, as Nancy got on the phone, I got Noah's attention and told him about Mother's day and that we should do something. He talked about Nancy trying to get herbs to grow out back and he suggested buying her some flowering plants too. I said that we could go to Fred Meyer Saturday either before or after session and get some potting soil and pots too. He said that that would be fine--he'd go with me.
Meanwhile, Nancy was on the phone trying to arrange a "play date" with Will's mother Linda for that very afternoon when we were supposed to be going to see Noah's grandparents. Apparently he "didn't feel well enough" to see them so before he even told me any of that, she was arranging a "preferable" alternative activity. Now, maybe it's just me but if your too sick to see your grandparents aren't you also too sick to be seeing friends? Nancy totally undermined our plans and I am guessing that she suggested to Noah that he shouldn't go. Noah indicated to me that he knew ahead of time that she was trying to arrange a get together will Will that same afternoon. So clearly this was well-planned out as a way to get him to stay in West Linn and not go with us.
Anyway, we went up to session and Nancy waited in the waiting room (which I did't know until after when we woke her up). More on that later. Meanwhile, session was pretty useless that day. The doctor asked about Friday, as I knew he would. I took a backseat and let Noah tell him about what happened. He had to drag it out of him. Noah is the least linear person on the planet. I told the doctor that I was impressed that Noah suggested an alternate arrangement for breakfast that day but it hadn't worked out either. We talked about going to Yiayia & Papou's and the doctor tried to get Noah to partially participate. To take his Gameboy or his audiobook or just excuse himself to sleep or hang out in a quiet room after dinner so that he could still have alot of quiet alone time. Of course Noah resisted every attempt because he had the idea of videogame time with Will to look forward to. I said nothing. The rest of the session about revolting against the "voice Noah hears inside himself". Whatever that means. At the end I said that I would call Noah in the morning and that we could try the breakfast thing again and that Lincoln could spend the time with his mom.
When we got in the waiting room Nancy was there. We woke her up and she complained about how the phone calls kept her from catching up on sleep. Why she should be tired, I have no idea but nothing about her makes any sense to me. Keep this sleeping and complaining in mind for the next post.
Nancy made a point of suggesting in front of the doctor that Noah could invite me over to "watch Noah play video games" and maybe interact with him there. I didn't respond because the idea was so heinous that I was struck dumb.
So we had a great time with Mom & Dad. Grant came and we had a good dinner. Mom and Dad wanted all the poop on Noah's situation and reluctantly we (Sharon & I) shared pretty much everything. Dad actually had an interesting idea--boarding school. My fear, which I shared, is that by sending Noah away from his Dad and Mom puts me in the position of looking like a bad parent. I think that Nancy could bring suit and possibly win a custody battle on that basis. I'm not sure I even want the battle. We shared with dad & mom that what would likely happen is that if therapy doesn't work we may just have to give up. How f@#$%ing depressing is that?
Course of the week
We decided to go to see Yiayia and Papou on Saturday so Wednesday afternoon I asked Noah if he wanted to come and I was pleased and gratified that he said he wanted to do that. So we decided to go right after the Dr.'s appointment.
Noah got sick on Friday (probably just because of the Movie night) so he said he didn't feel well enough to go. He suggested that we meet Saturday morning for breakfast but when I called at 9:45 he was supposedly still in bed. So we decided to try for breakfast on Sunday.
Noah got sick on Friday (probably just because of the Movie night) so he said he didn't feel well enough to go. He suggested that we meet Saturday morning for breakfast but when I called at 9:45 he was supposedly still in bed. So we decided to try for breakfast on Sunday.
First Steps
Nancy came by before Noah's appointment today and tried to convince me (I guess) that Noah was not ready/prepared/etc. to meet with Dr. Jenkins including me. I told her that I gave the Dr. Specific instructions to prepare Noah over the last 2 sessions. I asked Dr. Jenkins when he thought I should start accompanying Noah in the appointments. He told me ASAP and we decided together that he should meet with Noah the 2 additional times to get him ready so I was pretty p@%#$d off that she was trying to sabotage this process. I also found out in that conversation that she was part of Noah's appointments when I wasn't there (Wednesdays, easter weekend and last Saturday). I told the Dr. that that needed to stop.
When we got to the appointment I stepped back and Nancy tried to get Noah to go in alone and also insert herself into the process. The doctor said let's just go in and give it a try so in we went. Noah was fine, he never indicated, intimated or gave away any discomfort or even an unreadiness to work with me in the sessions. He did want Nancy to be there but the doctor took care of that pretty smoothly.
Meanwhile we had a good session. Noah talked alot about the fact that I'm a loud individual and that shouting bothers him. Even shouting up to come down for dinner. He also talked about the spanking. The doctor asked him when was the last time he was spanked and Noah correctly reported that he was maybe 5 yrs. old the last time he was spanked by me. The doctor had a hard time understanding the anxiety there, as did I. He asked Noah if he was afraid that I would spank him. He said no. Hmm?!?
The doctor asked Noah if he could say 3 things about me that he likes. He had trouble comming up with anything without prompting from the doctor. He did admit that he loved me and I told him that I loved him. Lastly the doctor wanted us make an agreement to get together for "Friday pizza and a movie" night at the house. I was pretty pleased that Noah decided that he wanted to do that. I was looking forward to it all week.
Nancy said that she recieved the letter from Peter Bunch and was angry because the timeline to get Noah moving back and forth was not appropriate and that "therapy takes time and people move at their own pace."
When we got to the appointment I stepped back and Nancy tried to get Noah to go in alone and also insert herself into the process. The doctor said let's just go in and give it a try so in we went. Noah was fine, he never indicated, intimated or gave away any discomfort or even an unreadiness to work with me in the sessions. He did want Nancy to be there but the doctor took care of that pretty smoothly.
Meanwhile we had a good session. Noah talked alot about the fact that I'm a loud individual and that shouting bothers him. Even shouting up to come down for dinner. He also talked about the spanking. The doctor asked him when was the last time he was spanked and Noah correctly reported that he was maybe 5 yrs. old the last time he was spanked by me. The doctor had a hard time understanding the anxiety there, as did I. He asked Noah if he was afraid that I would spank him. He said no. Hmm?!?
The doctor asked Noah if he could say 3 things about me that he likes. He had trouble comming up with anything without prompting from the doctor. He did admit that he loved me and I told him that I loved him. Lastly the doctor wanted us make an agreement to get together for "Friday pizza and a movie" night at the house. I was pretty pleased that Noah decided that he wanted to do that. I was looking forward to it all week.
Nancy said that she recieved the letter from Peter Bunch and was angry because the timeline to get Noah moving back and forth was not appropriate and that "therapy takes time and people move at their own pace."
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Another appointment with Dr. Jenkins
This past Saturday I went to Nancy's house with Lincoln and I suggested to Noah that after his appointment we were going to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid. He said he didn't want to go. Fine, then he wouldn't even go with me to see the doctor. Nancy drove him. Before this I talked to her and she wanted him to decide (which is inappropriate, he's a kid!) and I told her that I found the Doctor, I scheduled his meetings with the doctor, I'm paying all the bills, the very least he could do was to go there with me. As usual, that meant nothing to her.
Well, it's all going to change next weekend; Noah and I will start seeing him together. Hopefully we can work out whatever "issues" he has so we can get back to some schedule where we see him that is regular, predictable and not some huge drama-infused production.
Last week on the 14th (Wednesday) he was scheduled to have a meeting. Nancy had car trouble so she didn't take him. I can't make those meetings becuase the doctor only has the 3:00 time slot open so I couldn't get up there and take care of that but I called an appologized.
Yesterday, Wednesday, he had another appointment. Apparently he did go and both Nancy & the doctor have been talking with Noah about the fact that I will be joining his sessions. At the end, the expectation is that Nancy will join us too so that we can all buy in and support the end result.
Noah is taking the medication bump in the afternoons to help the afternoon and night homework schedule. He has a math tutor now and his math is now not getting a letter grade but he does the same work and gets credit, just not a standard letter grade. We are looking at possibly doing something like this for language arts as well. His IEP has just been modified so that he is allowed extra time to complete assignments and modify the grading model. Today I will get a copy of the tutor schedule and a copy of his new daily school schedule.
Well, it's all going to change next weekend; Noah and I will start seeing him together. Hopefully we can work out whatever "issues" he has so we can get back to some schedule where we see him that is regular, predictable and not some huge drama-infused production.
Last week on the 14th (Wednesday) he was scheduled to have a meeting. Nancy had car trouble so she didn't take him. I can't make those meetings becuase the doctor only has the 3:00 time slot open so I couldn't get up there and take care of that but I called an appologized.
Yesterday, Wednesday, he had another appointment. Apparently he did go and both Nancy & the doctor have been talking with Noah about the fact that I will be joining his sessions. At the end, the expectation is that Nancy will join us too so that we can all buy in and support the end result.
Noah is taking the medication bump in the afternoons to help the afternoon and night homework schedule. He has a math tutor now and his math is now not getting a letter grade but he does the same work and gets credit, just not a standard letter grade. We are looking at possibly doing something like this for language arts as well. His IEP has just been modified so that he is allowed extra time to complete assignments and modify the grading model. Today I will get a copy of the tutor schedule and a copy of his new daily school schedule.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dr. Jenkins tells all
Sharon & I met with Dr. Jenkins yesterday at 5:00. Noah had to miss because Nancy had car problems so I tried for a Tuesday appointment because Nancy said that would fit her schedule and Noah's school schedules better. Dr. Jenkins really had nothing but Wed. so I rescheduled for next Wed. again at 3 pm.
I was frantically checking email waiting for the draft letter from Peter but it just wasn't ready so we had to go without but I will share it with Dr. Jenkins on Saturday. The Draft did come today through email and I forwarded it on to Sharon and printed it. It just reiterated the custody ruling and that she is in contempt and what she needs to do to comply. Oh, and then there's that change of venue thing for her to sign.
Back to the meeting with Jenkins, he let us know that it would not be good to eliminate video games entirely but that strict limits must be imposed and he thought that the rules that I already covered with Noah was good. Noah probably won't remember those rules and I'll have to go over them again. He also thought the video games were probably too violent but may be unavoidable and that the "friendships" he forms by being online during games was OK as long as it's monitored carefully.
We reiterated that Noah needs to go back and forth but that 50% was probably not something that was going to happen right away. So we understand even at the beginning, it might just be one overnight a week or something. But we could build from there. Also that Nancy has to be on board and that would need some other "authority" to get that to happen. The doc also said that Noah would have to be part of the planning of this idea and I reminded him that my plan was to start meeing with him and Noah so that we could get to a place of trust. Then I want to start including Nancy in those meetings so that we can all reach a comfortable concensus and workable plan. Dr. Jenkins thought that that could start after one more meeting with just he and Noah.
We talked about Nancy's inability to be a parent and her lack of follow-through with anything she's ever tried and how we have butted-heads recently on what is best for Noah. Her lack of willingness to help Noah develop skills for long-term survival is baffling and, we think, harmful to Noah. He may feel better for now but he has no skills to help him cope without her. Maybe he learns some skills with Dr. Jenkins but he has no need or desire to implement or practice them while she coddles him. Of course, he's going to want to be where there are no rules and all freedoms. We talked a little bit about the fact that Noah has been winning these power struggles and that can't continue. He will have to understand eventually that he is not yet at the point where he is allowed to decide what he will and won't do on his own.
I'm tired now.
I was frantically checking email waiting for the draft letter from Peter but it just wasn't ready so we had to go without but I will share it with Dr. Jenkins on Saturday. The Draft did come today through email and I forwarded it on to Sharon and printed it. It just reiterated the custody ruling and that she is in contempt and what she needs to do to comply. Oh, and then there's that change of venue thing for her to sign.
Back to the meeting with Jenkins, he let us know that it would not be good to eliminate video games entirely but that strict limits must be imposed and he thought that the rules that I already covered with Noah was good. Noah probably won't remember those rules and I'll have to go over them again. He also thought the video games were probably too violent but may be unavoidable and that the "friendships" he forms by being online during games was OK as long as it's monitored carefully.
We reiterated that Noah needs to go back and forth but that 50% was probably not something that was going to happen right away. So we understand even at the beginning, it might just be one overnight a week or something. But we could build from there. Also that Nancy has to be on board and that would need some other "authority" to get that to happen. The doc also said that Noah would have to be part of the planning of this idea and I reminded him that my plan was to start meeing with him and Noah so that we could get to a place of trust. Then I want to start including Nancy in those meetings so that we can all reach a comfortable concensus and workable plan. Dr. Jenkins thought that that could start after one more meeting with just he and Noah.
We talked about Nancy's inability to be a parent and her lack of follow-through with anything she's ever tried and how we have butted-heads recently on what is best for Noah. Her lack of willingness to help Noah develop skills for long-term survival is baffling and, we think, harmful to Noah. He may feel better for now but he has no skills to help him cope without her. Maybe he learns some skills with Dr. Jenkins but he has no need or desire to implement or practice them while she coddles him. Of course, he's going to want to be where there are no rules and all freedoms. We talked a little bit about the fact that Noah has been winning these power struggles and that can't continue. He will have to understand eventually that he is not yet at the point where he is allowed to decide what he will and won't do on his own.
I'm tired now.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Nancy & the Lawyer
Talked with Nancy today about Noah's school schedule and what days/times she can get him out of school and to the doctor's. Tuesday seems best based on Noah not having an academic class at the end of the day and Nancy being free to take him...check this out with Jenkins on Wed. I need to have a talk with Lincoln about going somewhere when Nancy has a meeting. I will get her the numbers of all the people on the street and the babysitter, Mckenzie. Meanwhile, I told her about the change of venue coming but did not mention the accompanying letter. That should be drafted this week and I will be emailing Peter Bunch to get me a copy ASAP as I would like to show it to Jenkins.
Again at the Doc's
Later that day I talked with Nancy twice about getting Noah to Dr. Jenkins' office. I told her and repeated that I wanted to take Noah since I needed to talk to the doctor anyway. But when I got to her house, he got in her car and she drove him. I took Lincoln and after a talk with the doctor, Lincoln and I went to the mall, got lunch and went to Penny's. He got 2 pairs of wayfarer shorts, a nice double shirt and some socks.
A little about the Dr.'s visit...I laid out what had happened with Noah & Lincoln that morning and reiterated what I had said in my phone message last week (not returned) that we would be happy with some option that was less than 50% time at our house as long as it was regular and predictable.
I mentioned that as well as Noah getting on board, Nancy must also get on board. She is the author of this mayhem and must understand that she is breaking the custody order.
I told Dr. Jenkins about seeing a lawyer. Essentially that we were looking in to legal options if therapy didn't work out. We don't want to go that way and the lawyer mentioned, what we all know, that the best solution is through therapy. He also suggested additional therapy sessions so we have made an appointment for Wed. at 3:00 and are thinking about whether we can make this a regular thing.
In discussions with Nancy, it looks like Tuesday would be best, if Noah has to get out of school because he has assistance in the afternoons that day rather than an academic class. Dr. Jenkins told me that he doesn't have late afternoon or evening sessions.
Sharon & I have our appointment with Dr. Jenkins also on Wed. but at 5:00pm.
A little about the Dr.'s visit...I laid out what had happened with Noah & Lincoln that morning and reiterated what I had said in my phone message last week (not returned) that we would be happy with some option that was less than 50% time at our house as long as it was regular and predictable.
I mentioned that as well as Noah getting on board, Nancy must also get on board. She is the author of this mayhem and must understand that she is breaking the custody order.
I told Dr. Jenkins about seeing a lawyer. Essentially that we were looking in to legal options if therapy didn't work out. We don't want to go that way and the lawyer mentioned, what we all know, that the best solution is through therapy. He also suggested additional therapy sessions so we have made an appointment for Wed. at 3:00 and are thinking about whether we can make this a regular thing.
In discussions with Nancy, it looks like Tuesday would be best, if Noah has to get out of school because he has assistance in the afternoons that day rather than an academic class. Dr. Jenkins told me that he doesn't have late afternoon or evening sessions.
Sharon & I have our appointment with Dr. Jenkins also on Wed. but at 5:00pm.
Trouble at Nancy's
Nancy had the boys this weekend and decided to go to a party and leave the boys at home on Saturday morning. Lincoln turned his music down when Noah told him to but they got into a row anyway. Noah kicked Lincoln very hard in the leg, flipped him off and used the word "friggin'". Lincoln called me hurt and scared. I went over and comforted him. I wanted to talk to Noah but he had barracaded himself in the bathroom. I wanted to talk eye-to-eye but Noah would not come out. After about half an hour of this I got angry and started banging on the door and raised my voice but that didn't help. Nancy showed up about 15 minutes after Lincoln called. She was very contrite about leaving them alone and made it clear that she was not going to do that again. She told me that she had done it before and that had gone badly too. I guess she didn't remember. She did say that the behavior and the language was not out of character between them at her house. I was shocked since I have never seen/heard and would not allow that at my house. In the end I corrected Noah through the door and reminded him about Nancy's "deal" about videogames, language and violent behavior. He finally came out but went to lay down in his bed. I did not try to talk to him. I continued to comfort Lincoln. He was scared that Noah was going to hurt him again and he decided to stay to hear an apology. I don't know yet if Noah apologized or not.
Post Easter
Noah was missed greatly and I shared most of it with Dad and Paul. The rest of the family just heard the minimum from Sharon. Lincoln and Sophia had a wonderful time...Pike's place, Your in the Movies game, family & food.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Easter & the Doc
We visited with Peter Bunch today and learned alot about the law as it relates to custody of problem children.
Noah chose to skip Greek Easter with the family at Paul's and stay with Nancy by himself instead.
I called Dr. Jenkins and left a message...
Noah chose to skip Greek Easter with the family at Paul's and stay with Nancy by himself instead.
I called Dr. Jenkins and left a message...
- Want Noah to see him more frequently
- Set an overall goal: Noah needs to spend overnights here on a schedule (not necessarily 50/50)
- and a deadline by which time we want that to happen: 4-6 weeks
- Affiirmed that he needs to insist that Nancy and he talk about these issues
- Reminded the doctor that I want to start meeting with Noah and him to work out some of these issues surrounding being at our house.
- Also need Sharon & I still need to see him separately.
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